Guide

Taarof and dating

Taarof is the Persian art of offering what you do not expect to be accepted, and refusing what you would like to accept. On a first date it can be charming or a disaster.

What taarof is

Taarof is ritual courtesy. A shopkeeper says ghabeli nadareh, it is not worthy of you, and does not mean you should not pay. A host offers a third helping and expects a refusal, then offers again. Guests refuse, accept on the third offer, and everyone understands.

Where it goes wrong

• The bill. Two people both insisting on paying can turn into a small war. Agree early, or take turns.
• Compliments. Cheshmat ghashang mibineh, your eyes see beautifully, is the polite reply to a compliment. Lovely, but say thank you too.
• Plans. "Whatever you want" may mean "I have a strong opinion". Ask twice, kindly.
• Saying no. Taarof makes a direct no feel rude. On a dating app, a clear and kind no is the respectful choice.

A useful rule

Use taarof for warmth and drop it for decisions. Be generous with compliments and offers, and plain about what you want: another date, or not.

Keep reading

• First date ideas with a little Persian in them
• Meeting the Persian family
• Conversation starters in Farsi
• Persian dating, wherever you live